An open letter…

WARNING:

THIS POST CONTAINS A DESCRIPTION ABOUT MYSELF AND THE SEXUAL ASSAULT I EXPERIENCED. IT IS VERY RAW AND SHOWS MY FEELINGS VERY DEEPLY. IT MAY TRIGGER SOME AND IT MAY HIT A NERVE, SO BE WARNED. BUT I HOPE BY SHARING MY STORY OTHERS WILL GAIN THE COURAGE TO DO THE SAME, AND HELP OTHER VICTIMS OVERCOME WHAT HAS HAPPENED. (CONTINUE BELOW)

To the rapist I didn’t know raped me,

It’s coming up to a year since that night and now I finally feel comfortable enough to speak to you, openly, for the world to see. It didn’t happen in a dark alley like I always assumed, It happened in my own bedroom. You were a friend, someone I knew, someone I had met on a night out and continued speaking with. I knew your friends, I knew their faces, I felt comfortable talking to you whenever I saw you. I had decided not to go out the night it happened, I was depressed and lonely and didn’t want to leave my room. I was just sat scrolling through the internet, talking to boys, listening to music and drinking some wine. The loneliest of ladies, I hadn’t long come out of a two and a half-year relationship and I was struggling to cope.

You were out, drinking, having fun, I must have slipped into your intoxicated mind at one point because *bing* your name appeared on my screen… I wasn’t going to ignore a friend.

“Why aren’t you out?” 

“I wanna see you” 

“Can I come over?

The attention made me feel fuzzy and excited, I just wanted someone to want me as much as my ex made me feel he did. I was weak and you were there, I didn’t realise you would only make things worse. I’m not an idiot, I knew drunken male friends never just come over for a cuddle. But I was okay with that, some may call me a slut but casual sex is nothing more than that to a single girl. Looking back I wish I had been a prude, I wish I wasn’t so openly sexual and so open to any attention I could get. I wish I wasn’t so confident and I wish I had still been with my abusive ex boyfriend so it never would have happened…

I met you outside and we smoked some cigarettes, slurring your words and making jokes I had good feelings about the night ahead. We sat on my bed, I was watching shit TV but  I could feel your eyes on my body, you wouldn’t take them off me. We cuddled, we kissed, and that initial excitement rushed through my body. It started off like any other casual sex encounter, consensual, which is why I was so confused for so long…

You towered above me like a giant, you were so strong. I became less and less aroused with every thrust. Once you started being ‘rough’ with me, that’s when it felt wrong. It felt wrong because guys had choked me before, and I enjoyed it, but this felt different and I couldn’t think why. Another slap, you grabbed my hair, thrusting deeper as I squealed in pain. The flashbacks I have are blurred, but I can still hear you say “You like it rough don’t you”. Before I even had a chance to say I wasn’t enjoying it, your hand was back over my mouth and I was silenced, all I could think of was my ex, and how he would have never done this to me. You made me want back the boy who emotionally abused me, and that hurts more than anything.

You were clueless, you were TOO rough, you were TOO inconsiderate, and I turned from a women into an object quicker than I could even realise. You thought I was enjoying it, but I didn’t know what else to do… I wasnt in control, my words and screams just wouldn’t escape, it was like a bad dream. All I could do was lay there and take it, I froze and I couldn’t do anything to help myself. Your hands felt like iron, your teeth were fangs, you pushed down on my throat so hard. I thought, maybe even wished that you’d snap my neck. You kept thrusting and thrusting, pulling my hair so hard I felt it tear, holding my nose and my mouth so I couldn’t breathe, biting my ears so hard they throbbed; it was like you were testing how much I could handle and seeing if I lived up to my ‘kinky’ persona.

I left my body that night, I switched off, I didn’t want to alive in that moment and for many moments after. You got bored with assaulting me, and your dick wouldn’t stay hard any longer so you let me sleep. I flopped over my side of the tiny single bed wondering if my flat mate heard any of it, wondering how many other girls have been through this at university or if I’m just an idiot. I fell asleep, confused and scared but I still managed, I was just glad it was over. I woke up, even more confused than before, I saw you on top of me and knew it wasn’t over. By this time it was about 2 hours till I had to get up and get ready for university, but you didn’t care, you just started all over.

Once you finished, you offered for me to come back to yours so we could ‘carry on’ and then you’d drop me home later in your Audi, but I politely declined as you kissed me on the forehead and left. My heart fell through my body and I dropped to the floor. I sat in the shower for what felt like an eternity, I felt so dirty and disgusting. I thought the sitting in the shower thing was just something that happened in movies, but I didn’t want to do anything else. After, my flat mate, a close friend, messaged me asking if I was ready, and I had to explain to her what had happened. She was the first person to tell me it was rape. I spent the entirety of that day curled up in my bed crying like a small child who lost their favourite toy. My world felt like a black hole and I couldn’t stop crying.

“Rape doesn’t happen like this, everyone is going to blame me”

“It’s my fault for inviting him round”

“I shouldn’t be so open about sex, I’m such a whore my mother would be disgusted”

So many days alone with my own thoughts, You made me wish away all the things I’d worked so hard to overcome; the ex I spent months getting over and the confidence I’d spent years building. That night made me wish I was dead, my sexual desires and needs torn away from me and turned into pain and fear, you turned a woman back into a weak child, confused and lost. I stopped talking to boys all together, I missed so much university they nearly kicked me out… When I started to tell people, they asked if I was drunk, what I was wearing. The idea that a woman could be assaulted without anything being her fault was ludicrous to them, they didn’t believe that when a man is raping a woman, she leaves her body, she has no strength. “Just push him away” doesn’t cut it, that doesn’t work. Oh and  I was wearing my pyjamas, a dressing gown, and slippers, with my hair wet in a towel, I bet I looked so sexy.

I went home and couldn’t even tell my own mother what had happened because I knew she would be so shocked. Every time a guy hit on me I was scared, I felt cold I didn’t want to ever make love to anyone ever again. You ripped away my confidence, you stepped all over my soul and you crushed every dream I had of being in a good relationship. My ex boyfriend told me it was all my fault and that I was an idiot, yet I still wanted him back… You pushed me beyond the point of no return for months, most people I told made a comment, blaming me for what YOU did. Rape culture ‘doesn’t exist’ but when a woman goes through one of the most gut wrenching experiences of her life, she still takes blame. Nothing can make you feel lower than sexual assault does, the feeling of complete weakness and pain is something I had never experienced in my life. I would not wish those feelings upon my worst enemy, I wouldn’t even wish them upon you.

So now you know what you did to me, emotionally and physically, as I write it in this post, I want you to know this:

I will never forgive you for what you have done, just like I will never forget, I will fight for other survivors and teach every soul I can about what you did. I will protect girls and fight for boys, I will build more confidence every fucking day. I will scream and shout as loud as I can about sexual assault until it stops happening. I will protect my sisters, my friends, my family, I will teach my brothers how to treat women with respect, I will protest, I will share every opinion and feeling I have towards you, sexism, rape and ignorance towards it until people start to listen. I will slowly but surely take back everything you took from me that night, But I refuse to ignore what you did to me. As petrified as it makes me and as sick as I feel writing this post with tears in my eyes, I will never forget what you did to my body and soul that night. I might never be able to tell my dad, because I’m scared what he would do to you, and I might never tell my mother, because I’m scared of how she would view me, and I may never report it because I’m scared of how the world treats the victim worse than the rapist. But I will help others; other girls who don’t know if it is rape, other boys who believe that they can’t be raped. I will support the victims and help them share their stories, I will fight against victim blaming and I will make sure that no one ever feels ashamed for something that wasn’t their fault. 

You kissed me goodbye that morning, a thank-you, a token of kindness, one last attempt to fully fuck with my head and make me feel like what happened was an act of passion and arousal. Your kiss fooled no one, you may have kissed a fool then, but I am no longer a fool.

I am happy.

I am strong.

I am in love with the most beautiful man.

And that is the light at the end of the tunnel, a light you will never know. You don’t deserve what I have now, But I do, I deserve every ounce of happiness and love I get. I deserve it in double, even triple after what I went through that night. You will never understand how to be a real man, But he does, and that’s everything I could have ever wished for, a real man and real love. What you did will never haunt me again, and for that I am thankful.

The unkindest of regards, (to the most unkind human I have ever met)

Amy,

Who’s got the power now?

To everyone who read the post and supports me and my blog, thank you. It was VERY hard to share my story but I hope it will help people who have been through similar things and stop it happening in the future. The only fear I have publishing the post is the fear of others thoughts, like any victim I fear being blamed for what happened. If anyone thinks that way, please, unfollow me, delete my number and never talk to me again because anyone who blames victims is not someone I need in my life. I am sending nothing but love and support out with this post, I hope it doesn’t trigger people too much, and if it does, my messages are always open. Stand together, support each other and fight against rape. It is not the victims fault, normal people do not rape, and rapists deserve no good will, from my heart to yours, I hope this helped and I know you can get through whatever has happened. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “An open letter…

  1. This was so amazing to read and incredible that you have been able to open up about this. I experienced something similar in the way it was in my own bed with someone I knew and have always felt for that reason I couldn’t ever class it as assault.. To read this was empowering and I thank you for that, as it’s something I’ve never been able to really open up about.

    Like

  2. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I expect many women have experienced similar situations, although I wish beyond hope that we hadn’t. It’s unacceptable and heartbreaking but unfortunately not remotely uncommon.
    Sending you ’nuff respect and support too,
    Abi.

    Liked by 1 person

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