SlutTalk: Sexpectations vs reality (and my opinion on porn)

I’ve wanted to start a blog series for a while now and well, I’m sat here bleeding to death and don’t plan on moving for a few days so the time is now. When I was a kid/pre teen magazines like “Girl talk” and “mizz” where my life guide, articles like ‘how to snog your boyfriend’ and ‘which lipgloss is best for you’ were what I lived for in the days of my innocence, now as a 19 year old woman, I feel like there isn’t anything to help me, cosmo feels too old, buzzfeed too jokey (but usually 10/10) and I strongly believe in being the change you wish to see in the world, so away I go, here is my ‘girl’ guide (suitable for all genders) to being a young adult. I’ll be talking about anything and everything but this particular series is called SlutTalk and I’ll be discussing everything from vaginas to scented condoms. For me this series started when I did my masturabtion post, which is one of my highest viewed posts to date and what better way to continue that theme then to talk about our ‘sexpectations’ that the media, films and porn drill into our head (excuse the pun).
I know for a fact the first time I saw a sex scene in a movie, I had no clue what was going on, I was the purest of pure for the majority of my teenage years and just thought the undercover scenes were nothing more then a steamy make out sesh. The first time I watched porn I was very much shocked at the sight of a giant erect penis and in awe at how perfect the woman’s vagina was… ‘Should mine look like that?’ and that leads me on to…

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Sexpectation number one: genitals

As if the media doesn’t make us feel bad enough about our appearance, it also judges our genitals. Vaginas and dicks come in ALL shapes and sizes, some are huge some are small, some are tight, some have flappy bits and more hair. Whatever the member, don’t put yourself down over downstairs. Most porn stars have above average looking members, most have even had surgery to make it perfectly tight and pretty, but that doesn’t mean you should be the same. I believe with porn (just like everything in the media) it is only unhealthy if you are naive and (sometimes) immature or even insecure enough to believe that is the standard. If you are worried about what people think of your vagina or penis, you don’t have to show people, you don’t have to sleep with people who wont respect your body or insecurities. Find a sexual partner who will love and respect your body, and learn to love yourself before you do so. Love your dong and saggy balls, love your labia whether they are small, big, meaty, odd, a vagina is a vagina, and a dick is a dick. At the end of the day if the sex is good it doesn’t matter how you look!

I personally will not compare myself to a porn star because we are completely different women and I know she will have her own insecurities just like myself. In my opinion things are only unhealthy to view or see if you still have that insecurity in your mind which compares you to such thing. If every woman and man looked the same, the world would be boring, every single person on the planet has different opinions and perceptions of beauty, there is no one rule. That is the whole reason we find so many different genres of porn on sites, Asian, big bust, Blonde, red head, BBW, etc, the industry understands that people need catering to differently, just like fetish, preferences come into play big time.

Number two: How porn is aimed at gender

Preference being key, you can clearly see how pornography is aimed differently at sexual orientation and gender. Male gaze porn in my opinion is for misogynistic cisgender males who like hyper sexualised women in submissive roles, No this is not be saying that every straight male is a sexist pig, I’m just stating facts, these videos have effected the way a lot of people view sex. Men are brainwashed to thinking that women should give their bodies to them like a piece of meat for them to stick their dick in, and it’s a dangerous cycle. Girls will of course have warped perceptions of sex too because of this, porn is basically teaching younger teens that misogyny is key and sex requires no respect. Female friendly porn usually shows a more realistic side of sex, a lot of passion, licking, touching, etc. But it is a lot harder to find. ‘Feminist porn’ is a big thing recently with feminists taking porn into their own hands, which I think is rad af.

“Countless women give up on mainstream pornography due to the alienating portrayals of sex and sexuality. The directorial purpose of feminist pornography is to embody a representation of sex between people as equals, rather than depicting women as simply genitals and objects of the ‘male gaze’.” (http://archermagazine.com.au/2014/12/feminist-pornography-beyond-the-male-gaze/)

And it’s true, women do give up on mainstream porn. I know for a fact I usually watch lesbian porn or porn aimed at my preferred kinks, rarely do I get turned on by these ‘typical’ cheesy, basic ass pornos where the women make ridiculously loud noises and the men just pound them for five minutes then they cum on their face, IT’S NOT CUTE. That IS NOT how sex happens, and if you have been having sex like that well sorry honey, you need to sort yourself out. Men do not own women, men don’t have the upper hand on women because their sexual member dangles down like an elephant trunk and ours is inside. Your gender does not give you more right in the bedroom, sex is about three things:

CONSENT/RESPECT

PLEASURE

PASSION 

Sex is not about the man needing to blow his load, it is not about being forceful and claiming that as part of your ‘kink’ and it is definitely not about how hard you can pound that pussy.

Number three: The dangers of misleading kink porn

Leading on from male gaze porn, number three is probably the scariest reality about pornography. There’s a huge variety of sexual kinks in the world, from piss to school girls and pissing on school girls, every person is turned on by something different. Bondage or BDSM seems to be most common and even if you aren’t ‘kinky’ most people are turned on by rough or ‘forceful’ sex which is where it can go horribly wrong. Consent is number one with sex in general but especially when it comes to rough sex. BDSM or being into it does NOT excuse you from being respectful. You are not a ‘dom’ if you disrespect your partner or ‘sub’. Safe words, practicing pain thresholds and TALKING are very important parts of BDSM which is what the media and porn forget to tell you. Example, 50 shades of grey is the worst BDSM theme erotica EVER. A mainstream bondage story about a weak innocent VIRGIN (glorifying and sexualising innocence and youth) who is FORCED into enjoying bondage even though it ISNT HER KINK.

If someone doesn’t like tea, you wont make them a tea, so why do the same rules not apply with sex?

Porn stars have raped other porn stars during bondage theme videos and gotten away with it, for example, porn star James Dean, who raped adult actress Amber Rayne who later killed herself, and he pretty much got away with it. Rape culture is still alive and well in 2016 and people should not be dismissing assault because “well she was a porn star” or “well bondage is supposed to be rough”.

NO. NO. NO!

Being a submissive does not mean ‘rape me’ and as a woman who has been sexually assaulted because of a boy thinking being a dom means being forceful and raping me, I can’t begin to tell you how angry it makes me. Whether you are dom or sub, you need to be respected because at the end of the day, pain is pain and if you go that one step to far it can be very fucking dangerous. I know that my expectation on BDSM was a lot different to my realities. Good BDSM sex is BETTER then porn, bad BDSM is rape. In all honesty I would just make sure you are careful who you tell your kinks to, who you choose to practice them with and how far YOU are willing to go, as I said, talking is key and that is why I choose to talk about it.

Number four: Sexual partners

This is probably the most misleading sexpectation, Every man dreams of a sexual goddess and every woman a sexual god, what more could you expect after all in such a ‘perfection’ seeking society. But when you meet that tinder date IRL and he’s not quite as tall as you hoped and he’s a real bad kisser, it can only get worse. Basically don’t sleep with fuck boys or girls, they don’t know what they are doing and it will make you feel like shit. Casual sex is fine, it can be fun and exciting (be safe of course) but when the guy doesn’t make you climax, or cum, and then just shoves his dick down your throat and leaves like nothing happened… it is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Of course, we can’t have super high expectations for a one night stand, or a fuck busy for that matter, because no sex will be better then sex with someone you truly love and care about and that is a fact. However, nothing is worse then regretful sex and I’m sure we’ve all had at least once.

Give your body up to people who respect you, know what they’re doing and want to please you. Sex is fun, sex is about passion and excitement. Date, have fun while your single, do casual sex but if ‘Gary, 22, I’ll give you a good time’ doesn’t give you a good time, well, Can’t say I didn’t warn you…

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Number five: Toys, lingerie and accessories

Now on a lighter note, and last but not least I want to talk about the hilarity that is the sex accessories. Spicing it up in the bedroom is FUN, and nothing is more exciting then buying new lingerie for yourself to show off to your partner. But when it all goes horribly wrong and that bra you spent £35 just snapped in the heat of the moment… you start to question why you even bother. I have had pants rip, stockings burst at the seams and restraints snap during sex, and if you can’t laugh about it you are fucking the wrong person.

We all have dreams of walking into the room, slowly stripping, crawling on top of our partner and making love when in reality the clothes come off quicker then anything, you fall over as you climb on top and queef mid climax. Sex will never be perfect, things will go wrong but you shouldn’t stress about it. Your body is beautiful, your partner should think you are a goddess even if you do fart during doggy… just pray that the one time you decide to go kinky and try out the Ann summers lead and collar that he doesn’t pull so hard it breaks and you fall face first into a pillow… ( I wonder who that’s happened too…)

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I hope you all enjoyed this post, Sex is important and we need to talk about it, we wouldnt exist without it!

Remember, Consent, respect, passion and pleasure are KEY.

 

STAY SAFE AND HAVE GREAT SEX.

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