I haven’t posted an outfit this year, and why is that?
I’ve gained a lot of weight and I don’t enjoy wearing clothes any more. Now we all know I am the number one advocate for loving your body and yourself, but sometimes we fail ourselves and it just isn’t possible. University has made fatter, has broke me out, has made me poor and very down but THATS LIFE. We spend to much time moaning about our current situation, dwelling on the past, and hoping for a better future. I have felt so bad some times I haven’t left the house and I’ve just eaten shit all day, my mind set becomes so negative some days that I don’t even care about what I look like or what goes in my mouth because all I care about is how sad I feel. “Oh I’ll start eating healthy monday” is my new favourite catch phrase, I put everything off and loose all interest for important things. As human beings why do we stop everything just because we are in a bad mood?
I spent a lot of my younger teen years wishing to be skinny, obsessing over tumblr girls with thigh gaps and rib cages and always thought I was fat. Truth is I was a waist 27/28 in Topshop jeans which is a size 8 (maybe 10) and I thought I was fat. I remember laying naked next to my ex when we first got together and talking about how everyone comments on what I eat and I’m scared of getting fat; I started smoking to help me loose weight and I had the smallest legs in the world but to me they looked huge. I don’t know if I had an eating disorder but looking back it sounds very close. The thing is, I never was happy with my body, I was always hoping to be skinnier in the FUTURE, and that is where all problems lie.
What is the point in over thinking the unknown? If you had said to me when I was 15 “Amy when you are 19 you’ll weigh over 11 stone and be a size 12/14” I would have cried and starved myself for a week. But currently being age 19, and a size 12, I don’t give a fuck. After weeks of moaning and crying over my body, being paranoid about what guys think when they fuck me because I have stomach fat that hangs down when I’m on top… I have come to the conclusion that I don’t care anymore, partially because I’m very confident in the bedroom but mainly because if a guy or girl cares that much about what a body looks like rather then how good the sex is, they don’t deserve the sex. Of course I care about my health, my body, and especially my confidence, what I mean by I don’t care is this:
I don’t care about how my body will look in the future.
I don’t care if boys or girls think my body is gross.
I don’t care if I ‘shouldn’t be eating that’ because it makes me fat….
I spent my years of being a size 8 hating my body, freaking out over what others thought of it and not enjoying food because of how much pressure everyone put on me and I put on myself. It won’t happen again! Yes, of course I have a body shape and size that I am aiming for currently and yes one day I would like to be toned, thinner and have a huge ass, but my body still looks amazing right now. I don’t know how easy it will be, or if I will even do it, like 90% of things we do in our lives, It is the fear of the unknown. If I was to spend the next year on a fad diet, not enjoying food and stressing about how I look, that is going to bring my mood down so much more then it already is. I love food, food is my favourite thing on the planet.
I have a big fat pooch, I have red stretch marks everywhere, I have fatter arms, I have acne, I have wobbly thighs and a fat ass… and I love it.
If people look at me and think: “Ew she shouldn’t be wearing that” or “how does she get laid” then that’s fine. It’s not my problem that, for them, picking apart someone else’s look is how they gain the TINY shred of confidence floating around their narrow minded negative minds. I have honestly stopped caring for peoples opinion on me, you should try it.
We need to learn to love ourselves NOW, not in the future. Change is so easy to make, everything changes. Every day we can wake up and choose how we start the day off, eat a slice of cake or do 10 crunches? The choice is yours and I say do whatever makes you feel better. Our mind and bodies should be one and you will NEVER have a healthy body without a healthy mind. You could be your ideal body, look exactly how you have always dreamed but if you have spent all that time trying to get it with a negative mind set about the way you look, you WON’T enjoy the end result. Confidence is and will always be the best form of beauty, and to me that is what beauty is. Live for the current day, enjoy yourself and look after your mind and body. Stop thinking about how your life could be and appreciate the way it is, we get so caught up in obsessing over goals and plans that we forget to focus on what is happening right now. So I’m off to drink a huge mug of tea and get in bed, Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some exercise, maybe I’ll have a Mc Donald’s breakfast, all I care about is waking up happy enough to get out of bed. Once my current project is over I swear to post outfits more, I really miss shooting them as they give me loads of confidence.
Till then, Stay sassy, peace out.